The Things I Can Never Tell You

Today I was sitting in the drawing room, was watching TV, you passed through me and went out of home without speaking to me. You passed like you haven’t seen or like you don’t care I was sitting there. This was the worst thing you did to me. I got despondent, disconsolate and dejected. I was always scared of getting oblivion. I did everything in my life keeping the thing in my mind that this will make people think of me after I am gone. I always wanted to be remembered. But the way you disregarded me today made my heart pounding out of chest. But I kept calm, I am still calm, physically, if anyone in this world sees me right now he would say I am just sitting fine. But inside I am unable to control my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings. 

                        

Whenever I see you, whenever you achieve anything, whenever you fail, whenever you ask anything to me I could recall the moments when I first saw you, when I first held you in my hands. But today I could feel that moment like I never did before, just like it’s happening right now. I was sitting out of a hall in the hospital, the doctor came out, and told me that I became father; you got a son just like you. I was unable to look at the doctor’s face, or maybe I looked at him but didn’t see anything because my all senses were inside that room. When some lady handed you in my hands, I looked at you, your face, every detail on your face; I can still see that right in front of me.  While holding you, I lifted you above my head, I felt like there’s nothing in my hand, you were so light, or maybe I was so happy that I couldn’t feel the valueless thing like ‘weight’.  Then I lowered you and kissed your forehead. That was the moment I felt like, ‘if at this moment, even if I die, I won’t be having any grievance against life’. 

And now the way you behaved with me. It’s very difficult to control my feelings; I need to stay strong because that’s what I ever tried to teach you. To be strong whatever happens. Do you remember every time when you got low grades in exams, your mother used to cry and sooth you, but everything I did to you was encourage  for the next exam. Do you remember every time you brought a trophy on the sports day, your mother used to still cry and tell all her brothers and sisters about your victory! But all I used to do is congratulate. This doesn’t mean that I wasn’t sad when you failed or wasn’t happy when you won. That just means that whatever comes on our way, good or the bad, we must stay calm. Not to tell world about your emotional state, I could have told you this at any instant of life. But I wanted you to realize it on your own; I always wanted you to learn everything about life on your own. And the same thing I am doing right now, I am acting undisturbed.

The things started getting complicated as you were growing. Nothing remained same when you finished school. You didn’t want to continue your education because all you interested in was SPORTS. I know that you want to be a sportsman, you had a plan for your life, and now maybe because of me it got ruined. Maybe that’s the reason I can trace for your comportment now a days. The reason behind the choices I made for you was to make you enough capable of surviving the worst, because you must survive the Worst; to experience the Best. All you want to do is leave everything behind and risk everything you have for a dream. But a winner never risk everything, he keep some stuff that will help him to survive if he fails, to fight again. So I can’t let you risk everything. You can still become what you have dream of, only if you are strong enough to balance all other things. And along with this I force you to follow my rules to live. Like I don’t let you stay out for long time, I am always concerned with the people you hangout with, even I always have an eye on what you eat. I always tell you should do what you should not. I know that you can handle your life yourself, and you don’t like anyone to tell you change your habits. Whenever I ask or in your words, scold you for something, you must tell me in your heart that, ‘you don’t know my side of the story’. But son I do know your side of story, not precisely but at least I have a loose idea of your things. But I can’t separate myself from you. I know that you want some things to keep private, and I find it difficult to connect with you, I don’t understand what I should speak o you, so sometime I point your mistakes just to make a contact. Many times I don’t permit you to do things you desperately want to do. You think that I am overprotective, maybe you are right, but you don’t understand my side of the story, and you don’t have any idea of that.

I was just like you, when I was young. I had real big dreams; some of them came true some of them didn’t. I too used to get angry and frustrated on my father, but just like you I couldn’t express it. The cause of my feelings was perhaps, 24*7 he used to judge me. Every time he used to see me, he would find something wrong in me. Always commanding me to do this and that. It appeared so insensate, the way he used to act. I think all he aimed was to make me an ideal son, but I think he didn’t know that ideal things never exist. And it all elapsed when he died. I really felt bad because I always kept him sorrowful, thats a Harsh Truth. And then I decided to be a good father, because I failed to become a good son. And the day arrived, you were in my hands, while holding you, I lifted you above my head, I felt like there’s nothing in my hand, you were so light, or maybe I was so happy that I couldn’t feel the valueless thing like ‘weight’.  Then I lowered you and kissed your forehead. The moment I kissed your forehead I had a sensation of my father kissing me on my forehead. I felt it, emotionally and physically too. Tears in my eyes were all set to roll down, but I pressed my teeth against each other as hard as I could, I was holding my breath for as long as I could, my eyes became red hot and I successfully stopped my tears from coming out of my eyes. Because you know son, we men, don’t show our emotions to other people. I was waiting to become a father for almost a decade, and when I actually was a father I realized that I became an ideal son too. Just like my father wanted me to. And I started following everything my father wanted me to follow when I was young. And that’s what I had to do with you, to grow you up in the right way, not in the best way. To make you do right things even if they make you sad. I know you won’t understand any of this, and you don’t need to, until you become a father. The nature teaches the best lessons, and nature doesn’t allow me to tell any of this to you, these are the things I can never tell you.

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